Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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