He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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