im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
