i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
