i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
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To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
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THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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