He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
