Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
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my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
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We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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