Come see our sink grown plant.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
