can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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