i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
