I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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