I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
How's work?
Spinning.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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