Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
