whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
