Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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