Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Randomize
