I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
