I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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