So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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