i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
