I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
