my vag is so smooth its legendary
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
