I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
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I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
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I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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