he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
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