there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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