He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
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And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize