when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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