i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
