so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
