I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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