my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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