blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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