pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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