five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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