i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
