just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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