nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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