Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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