oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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