Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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