Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
