Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Randomize
