so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
