True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
