apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
