tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Randomize
