Swine flu. Run for my life!
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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