I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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