shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
