Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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