I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
