Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
