Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
this is an emotional support booty call
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
