Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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