Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
